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Never, Again.

Waking up for me usually starts with a blank slate about my day, life, and thoughts. I seem to unwittingly start the day with an eternal sunshine type of mind until a few moments pass and then it all changes. I call these moments when the “Thought Panthers” who have been at the edge of my bed are ready to pounce and attack me with the realities, truths, pains, and fears that are to be part of the day at hand. It is difficult to still understand why one of the pounces include the fact that I am now in the process of a divorce and I can hardly breathe.

I have found myself on the receiving end of many moments in the marriage that are to blame from people I will never meet or never heard of. People who chose to expose my wife to a life of trauma and abuse that has left us in the throws of what many couples struggle with but are not half as brave as my wife has been to live and work through the horrors of her past. I am quick to say that she has been the love of my life, and I had every intention to live the rest of my life by her side through the ups and downs, through the possibility of a crippling auto-immune disease that we discovered in 2017, and fishbowl that all couples in Church ministry find themselves living in.

Yet, I had no idea that from the day I became a minister that my life would encounter so many strange and wild moments. The either stemmed from the depravity of the human heart or the presence of the Enemy working into the cracks and crevices of the strongest of marriages. The external pressures and problems that we faced in ministry have caused us to buckle and be rocked on numerous occasions. We took many means to overcome and remain focused. However, there are limits that all people are unable to bear.

The reason for this post is to share that I have been absent from posting and growing this ministry as I need to prioritize my family and work through the changes that are taking shape on all fronts of my life. There is nothing to be proud of to say that I didn’t file for the divorce, I know that almost every time both sides could have done differently to prevent such an outcome.

It was difficult, but as a Pastor of a Church, I took the risk to be vulnerable and authentic in this time. I submitted myself to the authority of the Church and found that my walk has remained with integrity and virtue to maintain my role as Pastor. But I am still a man in pain and working through the loss and change. One of the benefits of being real is that people will reciprocate if given the manner it is presented.

My Church showed up as the entire congregation approached the stage and laid hands on me the morning I broke the news. They prayed for the loss, for the kids, my heart, and my wife’s heart and family. I was overwhelmed with love and authentic care for my soul. Amazing how there can be redemption in such loss and trauma.

What I hope to see in the days to come is to witness more of this realness in the connections of my life. To be full of mercy and patience as absence becomes part of the new norm, and the memories of nine years are challenged to remain sweet and important. I will not give way to bitterness or resentment. I am only able to keep my love on as Christ has done for me. It isn’t easy, but I hope to see the fruit of proclaiming to possess Virtue to be the means I walk through this with gratitude and peace.

Thank you if you are reading this and are willing to offer a prayer or comment of support! I am quick to say that my heart is to care and support others in this time. We are made to give and receive. May we both see God’s mercy in the days ahead!

Keep Looking up!

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